Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
