I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
