not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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