he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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