I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
