i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
