I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
