When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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