Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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