eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Randomize
