I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
