Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
