I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
