I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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