last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
