it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
