Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
