The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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