im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
