hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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