I accidentally burped into my bong.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
it glows. i had to have it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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