Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
