my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The air taste purple.
Randomize
