Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
