She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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