I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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