did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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