Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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