I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
