And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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