you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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