she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
