Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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