Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
