I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What a dumb baby whore.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
