Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
