I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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