I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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