I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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