I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
