Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
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Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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