I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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