My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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