I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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