Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
