i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
