I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
