Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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