you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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