Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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