i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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