On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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