So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
