That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
