I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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