remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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