Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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