I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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