Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
