after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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