I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
