hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i was born a porn star she said
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
